It's Fine
by Hotshot
Summary: Mark has always known there are more important things in life than his work. He has always known what he does in incomparable and ultimately unimportant. But why does it have to be like that?


It's Fine

Hothot

- - -

Really, it's okay. I'm used to it. I'm used to being the one who got stood up in favor of the bigger, better option. It's always been like that. It was like that when I was a kid and it was like that when I was in college, and it's been like that ever since I moved into this god-forsaken loft. And really, it's fine.

My parents were always like that. Every art exhibit at the school, every play I ran lighting and sound equipment for, every film festival… They just couldn't make it. Dad was at work late and Mom had a meeting for the school board, or the nurse's union or something. Sometimes Cindy would come, sure. But really, who wants their big sister there talking about how talented her brother is and blaming herself because she's the one who gave you a camera for Christmas that year.

So yeah, it's fine. I mean, could you imagine how embarrassing that would really be? Mom would surely sit there and fuss over me and my photos or my movie all night, making sure every single person pays perfect attention. Dad would probably just sit there and comment about how there are other things I could be spending my time on. So it's probably for the best that they never came.

But they did go to Cindy's dance recitals, all of them. They even went to the one when she had a sprained ankle and couldn't dance. They went and sat with her in the audience while she cried because she wanted to be onstage.

For Cindy's sweet sixteen she got a car, a brand new car.

I got a hand-me-down bicycle that they bought off of the kid next door.

It's fine, really. I mean, I live in New York City. It's much easier to get around on a bike than it would be in the car. So actually the gift was pretty practical.

She really always overshadowed me, but really, I never minded. Who wants to have their parents' undivided attention anyway? I mean, I got away with so much shit. I'm fine, really, a perfectly well-adjusted human being.

It didn't bother me at all when I graduated from high school and got into Brown. I mean, sure, they threw a graduation for me _and Cindy_, who was graduating from Yale, but they paid plenty of attention to me. At least, they did until Cindy announced she was engaged.

And then there was the whole dropping out thing. I mean, I had a perfect 4.0 first semester, I was definitely on the Dean's List and it meant absolutely nothing to me, so I wasn't planning on going back. So I was going to tell them the day before I was supposed to head back to school. Luckily, that was the same day Cindy and Joe announced they were pregnant. Could you have imagined what they would have said if I'd told them I was going to drop out of school?

Then I actually did drop out. I don't think it was until Cindy actually had the baby that they noticed I hadn't been to class, or home. I swear, they were probably still making tuition payments. Then the phone calls started. You've all heard my mom's phone calls. She's always begging me to be a good kid and come visit her. She drives two hours to visit Cindy every weekend and begs me to catch a bus to and from the city. I barely have the money to eat, let alone pay for bus tickets. Have you bought a bus ticket recently? Let me tell you, ridiculously expensive.

But really, I'm fine.

I mean, I'm in New York, living my dream.

Everything's fine.

The first few years were kind of rocky. You know how it is. I went through a few crappy jobs but we all did. I had my friends to fall back on most of the time.

Roger, well, Roger had April and the drugs. He's my best friend, I love him to death, and I did everything to help. You should see the scars I have from about a month after April died. Withdrawal was hard for all of us, and we were taking care of him. I can't imagine how hard it was for him to go through all of that. The stuff he said during withdrawal, some of it hurt, but I don't expect an apology. I don't want one. I know it wasn't him that said all those horrible things. It was the drugs and even if it was him he didn't really mean any of it. I'm fine. Roger's fine. We all lived through it.

Benny was my friend. He had a semester left before graduation when I left Brown, and I told him I'd hold a spot for him in whatever apartment I found. They made me pay my rent and his until he got there. I understand why, the rent was pretty steep, but I never did ask Benny to pay me back. What kind of friend would I have been if I had? I mean, I had money from relatives stashed away. I could afford it for a while. He finally moved in, and got a job. A real job. He brought in more than any of us.

I don't blame him for leaving. He and Roger never really got along, and seeing him going through withdrawal was enough to make anyone want to run. Plus, he was engaged. Who really expects an engaged guy to still be living with three friends in an old, abandoned loft. It kind of sucked when he got control of the building and started charging us rent though. It's changed lately. He doesn't even come around to collect anymore. He doesn't come around much at all anymore. I don't think I've seen him in almost a year.

Collins was always running off to one place or another. MIT. NYU. Paris. Greece. You could definitely say he was making the most of life. He knew he'd gotten screwed, but then there was that 'no day but today' mantra that Mimi and Angel preached. He really lived it for all those years, even before he heard it. He kept in touch whenever he left, and he always ended up back at the loft. It is always good to see Collins, but whenever he comes around I can't help but wonder when he's going to leave again, when he's going to leave for good.

I'm fine. Collins won't be leaving us for quite a while yet.

I met Maureen here. I think that's what really changed my life. I got to do what I was passionate about, and so did she. Then we got to fuck afterwards. I mean, who _wouldn't_ want that. Who wouldn't love to get up every day and do something they loved to do, at the same time helping the woman they loved do what she loved as well. It was an amazing feeling, the best year and a half of my life. I had Maureen. Roger and Collins were both around. Sure Roger was going through withdrawal some of that time and Collins would occasionally jet off on vacation but he would always come back, and the three of us would be fine. It would be like nothing had changed.

And then Maureen left me for Joanne.

And Collins met Angel.

And Roger met Mimi.

It figures, you know. Maureen was the best thing that ever happened to me and she left me for another woman. A short, kind of heavy-set, black lawyer. The complete opposite of everything I am. Yes, I was confused, and probably a bit heart broken, and it didn't help that everyone laughed about it. But, you know, Joanne is a really good person, and I wish them the best… really.

Angel loved everyone she came in contact with, and she made Collins so happy. He needs that; he deserves it. It wasn't even just that she made him happy; she made everyone else happy too. At least, she never made anyone feel like they were imposing or bothering her. She put so much time into encouraging me to finish this movie. She was really, genuinely the inspiration behind it.

It almost killed Collins when she died. I think a little bit of her left with him, though I can still see it when someone mentions her and that smile crosses his face. He was so broken up those first few weeks after she died. I had to be there for him, he's one of my best friends. Sure, my heart was breaking because she was gone, and because our family was falling apart, but it was nothing compared to what he was going through. How could it be? I had to be fine, and I was. I was fine because Collins needed me.

Mimi got Roger out of the house. I had been trying for three months to do what she managed in a few hours. I was in awe of her, indebted to her for that. And then they got together and I couldn't have been happier. Roger needed that. After all the pain and heartbreak he had gone through in the past few years he really needed her. Sure, I missed him, but he was happy so I was happy.

They had problems. I hated that. They were so perfect for each other but both of them were too goddamned stubborn to see it. And then Roger left. Those things he said before he left… they hurt. They stung worse than any of the bruises I got holding him down during withdrawal. But I had to forgive him when he got back. He needed someone there for him to encourage him to finish that song, and to help Mimi when she finally did some back.

And now we all tend to end up gathered around the loft; me, Collins, Joanne and Maureen, Roger and Mimi. I'm so happy to have this family back together. I'm so glad everything has been resolved that I can't seem to wrap myself around any project other than making sure things stay that way. I have to make sure Collins is doing okay, and help him preserve Angel's memory. I have to compare notes and laugh with Joanne, while helping her try to control Maureen. I have to help coach Roger through the last of Mimi's withdrawal and give them the space they need. And really, I'm happy with that role. I'm happy to be the rock everyone leans on. Without that where would I be?

- - -

I had a film in a little film festival up in Manhattan today. I entered 'Proof Positive' and they accepted it. Sure, it didn't place first, but it was high enough that I've got some job offers, and interest to show it at some other places now.

I've been waiting for this day for months, been absolutely going out of my mind over how excited I am to be showing it. Collins told me he couldn't wait to come and see it. Thinking about Angel makes him happy, and though watching that film makes him cry he couldn't be prouder.

Maureen and Joanne were happy as well. Maureen is always happy when I find work. She wants me to get some financial support for my work, and somewhere in the back of her mind I'm sure she's hoping for some kind of help with her own career. Of course I will, she knows I love her. Joanne couldn't be happier either. They both want to see this documentary go somewhere, and they have faced enough pain and suffering because of this disease that they know what I'm talking about.

Roger and Mimi promised to come. Roger because he's my best friend, and because I really started this movie because of him, and Mimi because of how close to Angel she was. They've watched the film several times, and it embodies their lives. It tells what is going to happen to them, and it seems to lighten their spirits a bit.

It was supposed to be one of the best days of my life and I couldn't wait to share it with them.

There was only one problem that sent me back to those pays and art shows in school. None of them showed up. Not a single one of them showed up to even see the documentary, or to see them present awards. But really, I'm used to it, and deep down I guess it really is what I expected, but it would have been nice to be wrong for once.

- - -

Mark walked through the door of the loft and slid it closed as quietly as he could. It was late and he was tired. His messenger bag was heavier than usual, weighted down with an impractically heavy award and all the paperwork that came along with it.

"Hey," Roger greeted from where he was stretched across the couch. Mimi was leaning against his chest and offered a brief wave.

"Where is everyone?"

"Collins got asked to sub a few classes over at NYU today," Roger yawned. "He should be back in a while though. Maureen and Joanne called about half an hour ago. Do you want to go grab a late dinner with them once Collins gets back?"

Mark shook his head, "I already ate. What are you guys up to?"

Roger glanced down at his dozing girlfriend. "Mimi didn't have such a great day."

Mark's face softened more than it already was. "I'm sorry Mimi."

"Thanks," she replied quietly.

Mark nodded to them, "I think I'm just going to go to bed."

"It's early," Roger commented.

Mark shrugged and turned in the direction of his room.

Roger watched him go. He looked… tired. Even that wasn't the right word for it.

"Mark?" he called out.

Mark turned around in his doorway and looked at Roger without a word.

"Are you okay?" Roger asked carefully.

Mark smiled warmly, "I'm fine."

With that said he stepped inside and closed the door to his room to give himself some privacy. He collapsed onto his bed and repeated that manta once more to himself, much more quietly than he had said it to Roger.

"I'm fine."

- - -

A/N: started this a while ago when I was kind of mad at a friend of mine. I like to get inside characters' heads, and this is the first piece like this I have done in a while. Something happened around school last night/this morning that made me want to finish it and I guess I should before I lose all motivation for it again. This is a one-shot so please don't ask me for more. That said, I do enjoy feedback as much as any author, and it always makes me smile sooo…

-Hotshot


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